Things You’ll Only Know if You’re a Cold Water Scuba Diver

Think scuba diving, and you probably get an image of vibrant coral reefs in somewhere beautifully warm, probably identifying every single Finding Nemo character you can. I’m only a little bit jealous of those of you that learned to dive in somewhere like Greece or Bali (and I’m definitely not crying over your beautiful underwater photos).

If, like me, you dedicated yourself to the sport (or what was available at the time) and found yourself learning to dive in cold water, there’s certain things you know that warm water divers just don’t understand (or anyone else in the world, diver or otherwise). Sometimes it’s comical. Other times you just want to cry…

  1. The first time you did a try-dive and the BCDs didn’t fit because they need to go over a drysuit, so you spent most of the time trying to right yourself. And probably flipped over comically at least once.
  2. When you start researching drysuits, but they’re all so expensive!
  3. And you finally find one that won’t financially ruin you, but they only sell it in large sizes.
  4. Or when they do sell it in a small size, you’re too tall or the boots are too small.
  5. Or you find a used one that will fit but it’s cheap because of all the leaks.
  6. When a newbie asks you the worst question in the world: “So neoprene or membrane, which is better?” (and they aren’t settling for the personal preference answer)
  7. Wondering if the financial debt of buying lead weight will sink you just as effectively as the weight will.
  8. Someone telling you to remove 2kg and not getting it when you don’t sink.
  9. Laughing when someone shows up with some freshly coated, shiny weights because they’ll be ruined within a week.
  10. Putting that you’re a scuba diver in you Tinder bio and immediately having to remove it because of all the shock when you reveal you’ve never dived in the Red Sea.
  11. Getting to a dive site and the heavens open.
  12. “Toilets? For the guys, anywhere! For the girls…. err…”
  13. You’re really adept at peeing in a bush.
  14. You’ve probably been caught short at least once by a passer by in a car.
  15. The horror of realizing there’s no heavy shrubbery in which to pee at the site.
  16. Getting out of the water after dive one and needing to eat all of the food!
  17. That feeling of relief when you finally make it into the water and all of the weight shifts
  18. Warm water divers tell you the excitement of seeing a critically endangered fish that only appears once every five years at a particular lat/long at precisely 1.04pm. You have the same level of excitement about that one time you saw a cod.
  19. Getting out of the water after an adequate dive of crabs and starfish and your friend coming up and telling you they saw catsharks and thornback rays.
  20. The feeling of relief when you find a cheap action camera that will work underwater, meaning you don’t have to fork out for a GoPro.
  21. The feeling of smugness when your friend’s GoPro won’t switch on but your cheap knockoff version works fine.
  22. Underwater selfies never work…
  23. You’re really close with your diving friends because there’s no shame and you’ve probably had some really awkward moments with them (like kicking them in the face when they’re trying to do a mask clear)
  24. You get to see some of the most beautiful places in your home country, and know what the floor of the water looks like, which is pretty cool!
  25. When people tell you how glamorous they think diving is, you laugh because you know the truth…

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